Soulparking

Lonely Hearts Rub (Hong Kong)

All of the comedians were hiding in the darkness near the back nervously pacing, arms crossed, and waiting. Jami was on stage reading off the sponsors, thanking the judges, and then taking time to thank the comedians again.

We, the comedians, shifted uncomfortably and then Jami paused a long time and thanked the sponsors again – we let out a collected groan.

Finally he unfolded a sheet of paper and read over it – selfishly eying the results before us – to taunt the audience and the comedians that he already knew who was going to win.

Then he looked around and began, “So the third place winner tonight for the Hong Kong International Comedy Festival is…”

And the air in the room seemed to disappear.

“Ashley Strand!” And the room exploded in applause. And we saw Ashley who was fighting jet lag – race up to the stage with a big grin. Jami gave him a fist bump. And when the noise died down, Jami went back to the list and looked over the rim of his glasses. “And the second place winner tonight for the Hong Kong International Comedy Festival Preliminary Round One is…”

There was silence.

“Mahesh!”

And the room went crazy. Everyone applauded and cheered. Mahesh hurried to the stage to do his fist bump.

Ashley and Mahesh gave each other a hard pat on the back. And then the crowd stopped waiting for the climax. Jami looked around at everyone and even gave a look to the back of the comedy club. “And the first round winner of the Hong Kong International Comedy festival and who will be opening for Kerri Louise next week is…”

I folded my own arms but knew the name before he said it.

“Stuart Schofield!”

And standing near the stairs, I saw Stuart run up the aisle but then suddenly stop next to his wife who held a bright smile. He said something to her in her ear and she put her fingers on his face then pulled him down and they kissed deeply. Then he continued to the stage.

Jami gave him a fist bump. Stuart, Ashley, and Mahesh put their arms around each other’s backs and went still for a second as Kenneth, the photographer, took the shot.

Then Jami thanked everyone for coming out and invited everyone to join us for drinks at Bhatti Bar. That’s when we pushed through the crowd – to find all the other comedians to tell them they did good, find friends that came to support us, and basically to come down hard – emotionally – from the thought of losing the first round.

The people hurrying to the bathroom before leaving and those pushing up the stairs to get out – threw Stuart against me as he was looking for his wife.

I put my hand on his shoulder. “Man, fantastic set tonight. You really killed.”

He smiled. “Thanks man. I really appreciate that.”

“You know I learned a couple of things from you tonight.”

He laughed unbelievingly. “From me? God knows what you learned from me.”

“I learned that the secret weapon to comedy is being married.”

He grinned. “No, marriage makes for the best material until it causes your divorce. And then you have to re-write your material.”

I smiled. “But seriously, it was very inspiring to see you and your wife tonight.”

“Yeah,” he said nodding to himself. “She is my biggest supporter. Not sure if I could do it without her. She rubs me the right way.”

“Well next year that’s my plan of attack.”

“To hook up with my wife?”

We both chuckled.

He then added, “Or to find a girl to rub you? I don’t think you have to wait a year.”

“Yeah, Hong Kong is full of lonely hearts.” I said.

“Hell, forget lonely hearts. Just genuinely horny girls who are good at giving a good rub.” And he sighed. “Ah, being the single guy again…” And he laughed. “I am just kidding.” He slapped me on the back.

Just then someone came up and interrupted us and I congratulated him quickly one last time and moved out of the way.

After I mounted the stairs and came out on Elgin Street, I was standing there trying to figure out which direction I wanted to go. And suddenly, there was an attractive woman in a tight fitting tank top smiling at me. “I really liked your jokes tonight.”

I smiled back, “Thanks I appreciate that.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t win.” She said.

I felt the emotional pang of losing but then swallowed it down, but then said genuinely, “Well, the guys that won deserved it. Totally. I am honored to lose to them.”

She smiled.

“Are you with friends?” I asked making small talk.

“No,” she said. “I am alone. I read about it in Time Out Magazine and decided to come and do something different.”

“You have never been to a standup comedy show before?” I asked just standing there and keeping the flickering conversation going.

“One time in London I saw it.”

“So you are English?”

“No, I am local. But I work for British Airways.”

“Wow. Okay, great job.”

She laughed before she answered. “No, it sucks.”

I laughed and we stood their silent. Some of the comedians and their friends were coming out from downstairs – and patting me on my back and asking where I was heading to next.

I didn’t want to tell them that I really felt like walking the streets alone – just to go through my set and find out what I did wrong.

But then one of the comedians who had flown in from Korea saw the attractive woman standing in front of me and started chatting her up. He was trying out new material I could tell.

I did nothing and let it happen. Personally, I wasn’t in the mood for small talk.

I looked left and right and then stepped off the side walk to head off somewhere to walk and be alone. As I was about to take off, I felt a hand on my back.

“Where are you going?” The attractive woman who had been talking to the Korean comedian asked.

“No where really.”

She smiled. “You want to go have a drink somewhere?”

I laughed a little and just shrugged my shoulders.

“I am buying,” she added at the end.

“Well, then, hell yeah.”

She looked down at my T-shirt. “Let’s go there.” And she pointed.

“Where?”

She touched my chest. “Mrs. Jones.”

“Hey, what’s your name?” I asked suddenly remembering that she was a stranger.

“Valerie,” she said.

“I am Jackson.” And I held my hand out for her to shake.

She grabbed my hand and shook it. “I know what your name is. Remember I just watched you.”

“Oh that’s right.” And with that, we turned around and moved towards the 7-11.

Valerie and I found a booth in the back of Mrs. Jones Restaurant and Bar. When I sat down, I noticed there was a large blackboard behind Valerie which had all the words to the song, “Mr. and Mrs. Jones.”

When the waitress came over, we both ordered Mojitos – but the only exception was hers was virgin and mine wasn’t.

“You don’t drink alcohol?” I asked.

“It makes me dizzy.” Valerie answered.

“Shit, that’s the point. Alcohol makes all of us dizzy. So that’s not abnormal.”

She smiled.

“So why are you at a comedy club alone?”

“I don’t know. Guys don’t ask me out.”

“Maybe you intimidate them.”

She blushed. “Thanks. Maybe.”

“But you know I noticed that air hostesses have the loneliest jobs. People think they live a glamorous life – but it’s basically from the plane to the hotel – always being jet lagged and then back from the hotel back to the jet. And then you sleep again.”

She nodded. “You know a lot.”

“I dated a flight attendant before. It’s very lonely. And also I travel a lot. So people think I have this fantastic life. But you are going to work, going to the hotel, and then always on the aisle economy seat on the airplane.”

“Yes,” she said and then the drinks arrived. We toasted.

“To the lonely hearts club,” I said.

She repeated, “To the lonely hearts club.”

Then we spent two more drinks talking about our lives.

She admitted she had only dated local guys but never dated gweilo or a foreign guy before. But she was sick of waiting around for a local to ask her out so she was pushing herself to come to Central more – and do more things where foreigners were.

She also said one of her co-workers read palms – and read her palm telling her that she needed to get married before thirty.

That was three years ago and now she was twenty-nine so she was feeling the pressure of finding her future husband.

“Shit. That’s going to make it even tougher. You can’t tell that to guys. They will run away. If you look to get married, you will be alone the rest of your life.”

“I have noticed.”

“Just enjoy your life. And things will happen. You shouldn’t have to struggle to make something happen. It should just move in the right direction.”

“I guess you are right.”

I asked about her last boyfriend.

“I wouldn’t consider it a boyfriend. I went out on five dates with a guy recently. We got a little drunk.”

“What? I thought you didn’t drink alcohol!”

“Well sometimes.”

“Man, I feel cheated.”

She paused smiled and then went on. “Well, afterwards he asked me to come back to his place. So I did.”

“I know where this is going.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, when a guy asks you to come back to his place, it means only one thing.”

“Well, I don’t have sex on the first date.”

“It was the fifth or something right?”

She was quiet and I saw sadness cross her face. “Well, no sex on the fifth date. But I guess was deeply alone.” She looked me in my eyes. “Sometimes do you just want someone to hold you while you fall asleep? You don’t care who it is. You just want to be reminded that you are not alone.”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah, I got you.”

“So I went over. We drank more. And we got into bed together.”

I nodded but said nothing.

“I wasn’t naked. We just laid in bed making out. I didn’t really like him but I was so desperately alone.”

“Okay.”

“And then I noticed his friend down there was standing at attention.”

“You mean his penis?”

She blushed. “Yes, his friend down there.”

“Okay, I am not sure where this is going.”

“And he asked me to touch it.”

I gulped. “Okay.”

“I can’t believe I am telling you this.”

“Me either.”

“I can stop.”

“No, its okay. It’s kind of hot. I feel like a voyeur.”

“Well, to make a long story short, I rubbed him until he came.”

I laughed. “Wow, wait a great way to wrap up a story quickly.”

She was quiet and the sadness came back. “But you know – I didn’t want to do it. But I didn’t want to have sex. But I also didn’t want to fall asleep alone. So I did the only thing I knew to do.”

“Did you ever go out again?”

“Well, after he came, he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said nothing. And pretended I was asleep.”

I laughed. “Ouch.”

“So he never called me again.”

“Shame.”

“You think bad of me?”

“Well, no. People do strange things to remind themselves of love and that they are not alone. But it was like a lonely hearts rub.” I liked my own play of words with Lonely Hearts Club.

She didn’t get the reference and went on. “So I go out – but its hard to find someone for conversation.”

“Well if its conversation you want. I am always around. But,” and I continued. “I don’t need you to wank me off. I do a pretty good job myself. And besides, I am single now not looking. Rebuilding myself.”

She took a sip of her drink. And then she looked at my drink. “Can I try some of yours?”

“It’s got alcohol.”

“I know,” and she blinked. And I handed it over.

She tasted it and her face grimaced. “Wow, it tastes good.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what your face said.”

We laughed.

Later in the week, I was at work and suddenly my Microsoft Office Communicator flashed on and it was Preeti who was in Pune, India.

“Hey.” She typed.

“Hey back. How are you?” I asked.

“I am good. I am checking on you.”

“I am doing good. But hey you never told me my new future.”

The messenger stayed quiet for a couple of minutes.

“Sorry, someone came to my office. You want to know your new future?”

“Yes.”

“No.” she typed.

“What you mean no?” I asked quickly.

“I am not going to tell you your future. Why do you need to know it?”

“Because you told me before.”

“And look at the problems it caused.”

I didn’t type anything.

She came back, “Not knowing your future or believing your ultimately in charge of it means – you learn to love and live.”

“But I want to know who is my destiny.”

“Your destiny is what you want your destiny to be.” And the messenger went quiet but it showed that was typing something. Then it returned, “The power of life is in the choosing / that makes it better. And it means a love that you choose means it becomes a stronger love.”

“So you aren’t going to tell me?”

“No.” And she waited before she typed the following, “If you really, really feel for her then just go for her. Don’t wait for a sign. Remember its your lonely heart.”

“And I know who will rub me the right way.”

“You could say that.” Then Preeti came back, “I am going into a meeting. We will talk more later, okay?”

Then the messenger went dead.

After Open Mic and after drinks on Tuesday night, I came back home late and still buzzing from the Red Bull and vodka. I checked my Facebook and noticed that Asia Agcaoili had re-tagged one of her photos in my photo album entitled, “Heroes”.

Still a little drunk, I sent her a message, “You will always be one of my heroes.” And then hit send.

Suddenly, I noticed I got a new message in my Inbox. It was Asia. “Hey are you on Skype?”

I replied back yes and gave her my Skype details. Then I turned on Skype for my MacBook Pro. Asia then called me immediately.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi, this is Asia.”

“Wow, I must be really drunk. Not every day one of your heroes calls you up.”

Asia laughed.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“I am in Amsterdam.” She said.

“I know you are reflecting on your life tonight.”

“How do you know that?” she asked.

“I always notice when you are doing an inventory of your life you always re-tag photos and upload vintage FHM and GQ picture shoots. But you do it in a way that is not cocky or full of yourself. You do it in a way to remind yourself of who you are. Remind yourself of how far you have come.”

She laughed nervously. “How did you that? We have never met.”

“Correction, you have met me – remember? I was sitting at Gloria Jean’s in the Equitable Bank building in Makati and you were going to the Dutch Embassy. But you didn’t say anything until you emailed me later.”

“You got a good memory.”

“Well, I will remember when a super star, radio host, and FHM centerfold says she saw me.”

“Man, I am glad I called you. You are good for my self-confidence.”

“Of course. You just need to be reminded how incredible you are. And remember you are blazing a trail for Filipinas all around the world. You are teaching them they should not be ashamed to be sexy, intelligent, and ambitious.”

She sighed. I was amazed at the quality of the Skype call to hear her sigh. “So why are you up so late?”

“I was doing my open mic tonight.”

“See, that’s what I want to do. I want to do standup comedy next.” And then her voice changed and I could sense it went a little sad. “I have so many things I want to still do.”

“Then do it.”

“Not now. I am a mother now. I have to wait.”

“Why? You can do both.”

“Well my husband wants me to wait.”

“Well have you explained to him that you want to do both?”

She paused before answering. “No, not yet.”

“Then why are you talking to one of your biggest fans over a Skype call instead of talking to your husband?”

“Well I respect him and love him. And I have been working so hard since I was teenager. And he tells me I need to take this time to relax and rebuild. Because I have never stopped. So I guess I am fighting my ambition. I have so much I want to do. I miss being a television host. I miss my radio show.”

“Can you help me get me a host job on Wowowee?”

She giggled. “You want to be a host on Wowowee? That’s a great group of people. I love them all – they are like my family. Let me know when you are serious – lets see what I can do for you.”

“Shutup!” I said without thinking. “You serious?”

“Of course.”

“I have a crush on RR. You think I can meet her?”

“Consider it done.” And she laughed.

“Then do it. Tell your husband what you are feeling. And he fell in love with you because of what you were and he believed in what you could become. So don’t doubt him now. And more importantly don’t doubt yourself.”

Our conversation went quiet. Then she said, “Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I am still here.” I paused. “I can’t believe this. Two people on the other side of the world – chatting about their innermost doubts and worries – but basically strangers.”

“We are not strangers.”

“I guess we are not. I still remember before you gave birth to your son and I was in the United States – us chatting then – inspiring each other.”

“Regardless if you are married, single, humans by nature are lonely hearts – and we are looking to connect with someone who helps you to that next place.”

“You mean find someone who rubs you in the right direction.”

She laughed. “Literally and physically.”