Soulparking

Monday, 6 June 2005

Like the B1B bomber or the nuclear bomb during World War II, its always in the darkest of days – that there is this ray of hope – that helps you overcome insurmountable odds.  That helps you can beat this.  You can be victorious.

I have received several emails basically saying: “God, please don’t kill yourself!”  And yes things have been difficult since I moved here to South Africa – but I am by no means unhappy.  Ironic I know if you have been reading my last 10 ejournals.

But I have a secret weapon: Jasmin.

I still remember reading “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” – which is a book written by a brash 22 year old talking about how he stopped dating altogether and only treated women as friends.  And only when he met the “one” did he go into engagement mode.  When he wrote the book, it was all just conceptual.  Soon after the book was released he was married.  I thought it made him look like a hypocrite.  And for all of us single, Christian guys out there – he ruined it for us.  We had to read the book and “pretend” that we were following the rules of “Kissing Dating Goodbye”.  And secretly all of us Christian guys loathed him.

So when my wife and I separated – the last thing I wanted to do was date again.  Nor did I ever imagine that I would ever even consider “caring for someone – that would titter on the brink of loving”. 

I came to South Africa for “apartheid” – not in the terms it is known for throughout the world.  Definitely not the ugly racist context.  “Apartheid” means “apartness”.  And I wanted to be isolated and heal on my own.  One of those rules I set for myself was to “kiss dating goodbye”.  Actually, I didn’t think about dating.  I just wanted to be left alone 

But in the midst of everything, I met Jasmin.  She came into my life not needing anything.  Knowing everything about me up front – the breakup of my marriage – and I told her about every conceivable character blemish I had.  And yet, she still was cool.  When I was working straight for those 6 – 8 months because of the inadequacy of our project manager, Jasmin would come over and have dinner waiting for me.  She listened to me bitch and complain.

She would complain about her job as well.  I never realized how patients in a doctor’s office can be such assholes.

And slowly, I became “attached” to her.  I didn’t want to.  I felt incredibly guilty.  I would talk to her about the feelings I felt for my wife.  How I never blamed my wife.  How I was afraid I was turning into a bad person.

She told me to stop being a “panic mechanic”.  And then we would go to the movies.  She laughed at me when I cried in the movies.

And if we go out for dinner, she always orders another plate of food (this has also become my routine) – or saves her own food.  And as we walk around the V&A Waterfront she has a way of discovering someone starving and homeless – and giving them a meal.  I saw her buy an ice cream for a little girl of four – wandering alone.  The little black girl – almost like she knew her – plopped into Jasmin’s lap – and Jasmin became her mother.  They laughed together and the little girl smiled with vanilla all over her face.  Finally, the real mother who had been begging for change outside – came in and got her daughter.  The little girl waved goodbye to Jasmin.

I watched and marveled.

Jasmin told me later – “Every time I feel like shit – I look around me.  And there’s always someone worse.  So its then that I realize that I am here to help.”

And then the greatest thing about my secret weapon – she dances with me.  The best dancer in Cape Town!  Others will agree.  And at first I was jealous of that.  Usually its me that everybody talks about when I hit the dance floor.  When I met her, it was her.  But she wasn’t serious about it.  She is not trying to be the best.  She just feels it.  Loves the music.

So suddenly, here I am again.  A man making a choice to have feelings again.  To not doubt me as a human being anymore.  To slowly take a chance.  A ray of hope.

Poor girl, I don’t know if she knows what she got herself into.

Now, when she and I go out – I hear people say aloud – “Just wait!  You won’t believe how good they dance together…”

Yeah, she is the bomb.