Soulparking

Thursday, 12 May 2005

So it looks like I am not the only one who came to South Africa for a mental health break.  Dave Chappelle’s 3^rd Season has been postponed due Dave Chappelle coming to South Africa. 

So now let me talk to Dave. 

Hey man, everything is going to be fine.

I cannot explain it.  My life was a mess when I arrived here.  I had failed at my marriage, as a husband, as a lover, and as a friend.  So I tried to make up for it as a professional worker.  I was going to change the corporate culture of my company – and “revolutionize the enterprise” as I wrote in a conference paper I submitted.

The saying goes in South Africa, “Africa is not for sissies.”  So when I came here to relax, get a grip – and become the best I could be as a professional worker – Africa kicked my ass again.  It kicked it as far as it could go.  It nearly killed me.  I worked non-stop for 8 months without break, without weekends, while being yelled and screamed at and threatened that my reputation was at stake by external, contracted workers for my company (blah, blah, you can read about it my previous ejournals). 

So I was given the opportunity to run again.  Get the hell out of dodge and leave the Dark Continent and run into the awaiting arms of Asia Pacific, Singapore.  When I wrote my first resignation letter, my boss threw it away.  And during my recovery from my surgery earlier this month, I wrote a second resignation and started preparing for my move to Singapore on 15 July 2005.

But again, there was this speck inside me.  I can’t really describe it.  It was like when I first met my wife – and I knew my life would never be the same – but I could not say why or how I knew.  Sadly, it was also the same feeling when I knew my marriage was dead.  That I had killed it.  That we had gone beyond the breaking point and it was time I stop destroying her and me – this horrible nagging pang. 

So this speck inside me saying, “Don’t leave just yet.”  But everything on paper said to leave.  My family and friends told me it was the best decision – move to Singapore.  But I kept fighting this “Phantom Menace” (sorry for the Star Wars reference).  There was something left for me to do – or complete here.

And while on a yacht cruising through the harbor from the Cape Town Royal Yacht Club to the V&A Waterfront – laughing and chatting with my Uncle from Heidelberg, Said, and my boss who I adore – Said turned to me as the sun was setting against the backdrop of the Atlantic Ocean, “How could you ever leave this?”

Then there was a chat session I had with my dad and I told him how torn I was about leaving Cape Town.  I told him the position I would hold in Singapore would be a management role – and I felt that moving up in the ranks would give me the power to change our corporate culture for the better – my Utopian vision.  My father typed out: “Before you can lead others, you must be able to lead yourself.”

And my dad was right.

I was a success on paper.  My job was somewhat completed in South Africa – but there was still so much to do – and the company was in such need for expertise and “hands on deck”.  But inside, I was still a failure.  The same failure that left North Carolina promising my wife that the move to Germany would somehow renew us.  In the end, I failed her again – and failed myself.  Then again, I abandoned my wife and ran to South Africa.  Failed a third time.

It was time to stop running.  Time to become a success on the inside.  Not be afraid of counseling.  Not be afraid to follow my dreams – but without being obsessed about it.

Today I declined the position in Singapore.

So the Dark Continent has now become my cradle of civilization. And I have just started building – the City of Me. 

So welcome Dave from one African-American to another.  Just remember, you are not alone.